Mom Jokes
What do you call a short mom? A mini-mum.
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What did the mama say to the foal? “It’s pasture bedtime.”
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What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year? Mummy’s Day.
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Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales? Because mothers are priceless.
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What’s the difference between Superman and mothers? Superman is a superhero when he has to be. Moms are superheroes all the time.
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What did the digital clock say to its analog mother? Look, Mom! No hands!
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What kind of candy do moms love for Mother’s Day? Her-she’s Kisses.
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Not to be cheesy, but you’re a grate mom.
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What kind of boat is barely staying afloat yet somehow manages to function? The mother ship.
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Mom, I donut know what I’d do without you.
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There is no butter mom than you!
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Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long!
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Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!
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How do you keep little cows quiet, so their mommy can sleep late? Use the mooote button.
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Where do baby Transformers come from? Opti-Mom Prime.
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What is a mom’s favorite flower? Chrysanthemoms.
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Why did the Mother’s Day gift arrive the day after Mother’s Day? It was choco-late.
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…all you want for your birthday is for people to stop getting a new glass every time they need a drink.
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…you glide the shopping cart back and forth even when there’s no baby in it.
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…being alone in your car is the most exciting part of your day.
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…someone else gets hurt and you cry.
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…going to work feels like a vacation, and going on vacation feels like work.
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…you have a secret stash of candy that not even your spouse gets to see.
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…the first thing you say when you walk into a room is, “What’s that smell?”
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…you have multiple conversations a day about poop, and none of it is yours.
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…you’ve been used as a human Kleenex and didn’t bat an eye.
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…you use baby wipes to clean literally everything.
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…silence isn’t golden; it’s suspicious.
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…happy hour is nap time—yours or theirs.
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…you consider a permanent marker a weapon of mass destruction.
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…you see a smear of brown on your shirt and you have to smell it to see if it’s chocolate or poop.
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…you have to choose between sneezing and waking the baby or holding it in and dislocating a rib.
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…you understand on a deep level why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
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…spending $500 on new school clothes for your kids is easy, but you need a coupon and cash to buy new leggings for yourself.
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…you realize you just cleaned the living room so your kids would have room to play with all the toys that don’t fit in their messy rooms.
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“When you’re a twerking mother, balance is really important because you don’t want to go too low and blow out your butt and bust your knee.” —Amy Poehler
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“It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” —Stephanie McMaster
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“It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” —Dorothy, The Golden Girls
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“Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” —Tina Fey
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“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” —Carrie Underwood
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“Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” —Olivia Wilde
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“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires.” —Dorothy Parker
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“Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.'” —Christina Applegate
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“You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” —Shonda Rhimes
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“I always say, if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
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“I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s, and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” —Eva Mendez
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“Some days I find myself doing strange things that don’t have any real purpose, in faraway corners in my house, and I realize I am literally and deliberately hiding from my children.” —Kate Hudson
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“When you’re a mom of teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
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“Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Mothers clean them.” —Rita Rudner
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“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
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“Having a baby is just living in the constant unexpected. You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics.” —Blake Lively
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“If you’ve never said, ‘You need to back up a little so I can wipe myself,’ do you even have kids?” —@MotherOctopusKJ
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“Hmm, I’m the first one awake in the whole house. Think I’ll play this kazoo, it just feels right.” —@simoncholland
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“It all starts with a late period, and then you aren’t on time for anything ever again.” —@lucylueorganics
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“My daughter has been home from school for 30 minutes. She’s been talking for 40 of them.” —@sarabellab123
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“Please pray for my teen, who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today.” —@maryfairybobrry
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“Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.” —@hypercraxy
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“The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.” —@LMEgordon
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“The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.” —@BadMomLife
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“I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I didn’t have to do it every day.” —@snarkymommy78
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“Repeating the same thing over and over to your kids isn’t so bad if you think of it as chanting a zen mantra: “Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Ommmmm.” —@copymama
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“*8yo pauses video game, takes sip of juice box, finishes bowl of chips*
8yo: Dad, can I have more?
Me: Not right now.
8yo: You never let me have anything!
*storms into bedroom, kicks off sneakers, turns on Death Star lamp, picks up iPad, puts on headphones, lies on bed*” —@DadandBuried
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“My 5-year-old just told me that turtles are slow because they carry their houses on their backs, and I feel like this is a solid analogy for parenthood.” —@gfishandnuggets
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby Mother’s Day!
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want a hug?
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A door.
A door who?
Adore you!
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alec.
Alec who?
Alec to give you kisses.
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Omelet.
Omelet who?
Omelet Mommy sleep in today.
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time to say Happy Mother’s Day!
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Bacon.
Bacon who?
Bacon cake for Mother’s Day.
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a hug for Mother’s Day!
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